Seitan-ic Diaries

To me, eating out is an adventure. And anyone who knows me would probably say that cooking with me is an adventure too. I love a challenge in the kitchen, and I'm always pushing my limits to see what I'm made of. Last week, despite many warnings and naysayers, I attempted to bake beer battered haddock in the oven = BIG FAIL. I also decided it was time I learned how to make home-made seitan, if I want to take myself seriously as a vegetarian.

What is seitan, you ask? My google search directed me to this page which informed me that seitan is made from wheat gluten and is a protein rich meat substitute that has been eaten around the world for thousands of years. Also known as "Wheat Meat" or simply as "Gluten", this is very obviously no good for people with wheat/gluten allergies. But it is low in fat and sodium, and it has a meaty texture. Like tofu, it has no real flavor of its own... or if it does, we are best to cover it up ASAP.

I know what you're thinking. What the hell is that? Looks like something that should be discreetly flushed down the toilet. I was thinking the same thing. This is the first stage of seitan production. I was following the method for "Seitan Cutlets" in Veganomnicon.  Basically, you make a dough out of  veggie broth and soy sauce mixed into vital wheat gluten. Vital wheat gluten?! Oh yeah... I always keep some of that in my cupboard! They didn't even know what I wanted when I asked the hippies in the hippie food store. I said "Ya know.. the stuff you make fake chicken out of..." and I got some funny looks. I forgot that hippies keep REAL chickens in their backyards, and are probably allergic to gluten (gluten allergies are all the rage these days). It was labeled "gluten flour" in the bulk bins. Yes, it looks just like flour. Gluten is what makes flour elasticy, so when you isolate the gluten out of basic flour and mix with liquid, it becomes VERY tough and elasticy! This was one stubborn ball of dough that I was told to pound, knead and stretch into an oblong poop-shape. Then I had to cut it into 6 equal pieces, and struggle with it some more to make 1/2 inch thick "cutlets". It's hard for me to refer to them as cutlets though. The whole time I kept thinking... "Am I just going to be eating flour? Is this safe?"

Then I had to plop the cutlets into a broth bath and bake them in the oven for a while. I am a little uncomfortable with that much unprotected broth being in my oven. I was very careful taking it in and out of the oven, for fear of casserole tidal waves and kitchen tsunamis. It bothered me so much, I was quick to dump the broth down the drain as soon as I could, forgetting that I was supposed to keep the broth to store the cutlets in. Well, how bad can they be without following proper broth storage procedures? I have no past seitan-ic encounters to compare them with, so ignorance is bliss. This is what I was left with:

This definitely doesn't look like food. In fact, if I discovered this in a loved one's fridge, I would do them the favor of throwing it out as a health and safety hazard. But instead, I took a deep breath and proceeded with Veganomicon's recipe for "BBQ Seitan and Crispy Coleslaw Sandwich". I loosely followed the vegan coleslow recipe provided. Then I sliced the seiten into thinner pieces, really quite unsure what the recipe meant when it said to slice the seitan .... how? In what way? And what kind of filleting knife would be appropriate for this task? Also, the recipe requires a caste-iron grilling pan ... Who owns a caste-iron grilling pan? Really? You can also use a regular caste-iron pan, or an outdoor grill - but I don't have those sorts of luxuries either. So I had to wing it, using a metal skillet and an indoor panini press grill.

I still don't know if I should be frying these or pressing them onto newspapers to see if they'll copy the ink text. I wonder if I rolled them up into balls, would they bounce?

Okay, now they sorta look like food! Grill marks - ah yeah! After cooking them in the skillet, I tossed them in BBQ sauce and threw them on my grill. I would normally make home-made BBQ sauce, but this was enough of an adventure so I did take some short-cuts, like using packaged preshredded coleslaw mix, and Bullseye BBQ sauce (I just quickly pretended I didn't see the part about the glucose-fructose on the label).

The recipe specifically said to use any type of roll besides "too soft" hamburger buns. Well, I ignored that bit of information as well, and used some "too soft" hamburger buns. Once toasted they held up well to the coleslaw and BBQ sauce. The verdict? The seitan was a little chewy to me at first, but after a few bites I didn't mind. I kept thinking "Oh god, I hope this is edible... I hope this is actually food". But I am still alive to tell the tale, with no subplots of heartburn, nausea, indigestion, upset stomach or diarrhea - Hey!

I figured I could cut down on the fat content by just using the grill, and omitting the frying-in-tons-of-oil-because-they-stick-to-the-skillet-really-bad step. I tried slicing them differently too, and this cut was definitely easier to achieve. I made sure to brush lots of peanut oil on my non-stick grill, just in case.

                                                        Still kinda looks like silly putty.

 I have come to the conclusion that grill marks can make anything look like food. And when you slather things in sauce, they tend to taste pretty good too. I am a big fan of the Buffalo chicken sandwich, popular here in Calgary and probably elsewhere, and I think I could adapt this recipe to something a bit more fiery and ... ranchy? I think the seitan would enjoy being smothered in Franks Red Hot sauce and ranch dressing. Just not sure how'd I'd cook the seitan. The BBQ sauce, when grilled, gives the seitan a nice charred BBQ'd texture on the outside, and that's a good thing.

So how would I go about doing this next time?

Next time I would make a non-vegan coleslaw, because I love that zing you get from real mayonnaise! I would make home-made BBQ sauce, or find a brand without glucose-fructose. I like the strips better for the cut of "meat", and double grilling for the method. I might try to find a more interesting crusty bun to put the participants into. And I certainly will not throw out the broth! My next question, which will be answered soon enough is, how do these seitan cutlets freeze? To be continued...

To make seitan cutlets:

1 1/4 cups vital wheat gluten

1/2 cup cold vegetable broth
1/4 cup soy sauce
1 tbsp olive oil
2 cloves garlic, minced

Mix ingredients in a bowl until clumpy.
Knead for a few minutes until you have one elasticy bastard.
Roll into a log.
Cut into 6 equal pieces.
Knead and stretch and flatten these into 1/2 inch thick cutlets.

Put in a casserole dish and cover with 6 cups of hot broth and 3 tbsp soy sauce.
Be careful not to splish spash the broth bath... but stick it in the oven and let it relax for half an hour at 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
Apparently you should turn these over with metal tongs.
Then bake another 20 minutes. 

Drain in a colander.

Now they are ready to be sliced and grilled, and smothered... and grilled.... bon appetite, if you still have one.